Dear Video Game People,
My name is Saints Row 4. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of me, but I’m a video game developed by Volition and published by Deep Silver. My little brother (Saints Row 3) came out a few years ago, and it seemed you kind of liked him, so I thought I’d come out soon, too.
But I wanted to make a few things clear before I do.
You see, I’ve been watching you, and I don’t really like what I see. I’ve followed your arguments and bickering on Twitter, I’ve seen you fighting over whose father has the biggest willy (and for the record, my pops had a fucking huge penis, but is now dead so you can’t prove otherwise), and I don’t like it.
I’ve seen all the debates, in fact, and I have one thing to say to them.
I don’t give a fuck.
I don’t give a fuck because I don’t want you to debate over me. I don’t want you to discuss the character growth in me. I don’t want to hear about sexism, racism or idiocy – I don’t want to hear any of it. All I want you to do is have fun with me. Do you remember that? Fun?
I’ve made it really easy, too. But I’ve been a little cheeky with the way I start, by worrying you, tricking you into thinking: “Oh no, Saints Row has become just another generic shooter!” before dropping one of the funniest moments you’ll ever see in a video game on your lap.
I mean, I give you options: You can select a voice for your character when you play me. You can be Male Voice 1, 2 or 3; Female Voice 1, 2 or 3 – or if you like, you can select the 7th option, which is simply “Nolan North”. And yes, it is him. Of course it’s him!
Because you liked my little brother (Saints Row 3) so much, I’ve decided to keep his engine, and start you off in Steelport again, but I thought he was a little too safe, so I’ve decided that what I wanted to do, was borrow the coolest bits from some other games I like (Crackdown, inFAMOUS, Prototype) and sort of amalgamate them into this one ultra-cool, over-the-top action game.
Of course you can still shoot people, but now you can use super-powers. You can do these huge jumps, and climb up the side of buildings. You can freeze dudes if you want, too. Oh and there are Aliens trying to take over the world, and you’re the president, and I’m funny, too. Not video game funny, no, actually funny.
Wah, wah! You’re crying about some tiny insignificant thing. I want to help you, guys and gals, I want you to come play with me, because you’ll forget about how annoyed you are about whatever it is you get annoyed about. Did some guy at work upset you? Come play with me, we can tell him to go fuck himself together, as you can actually set your character’s taunt to be exactly that!
So forget all your troubles and get excited, because I am bigger than my brother, and if you thought he was crazy, and that nothing could be crazier, you’re in for a rude awakening. Oh, and critics, you can stop the posturing, because none of you can posture with the kind of grandeur that this motherfucker right here rolls with. Stop it, just stop it.
I am coming for you all this August, and you’d better be ready for me.